There's a rule in writing, that you should let emotions settle before taking to your desk. But today my brain is spewing expletives and I don't have the composure to wait them out. Everything feels urgent. My arms are jittery and my shoulders ache, my eyes want to sleep but my legs want to kick, and my fingers want to pound out a tirade to purge the fury in my chest.
Maybe it's a good idea to stay off of social media, but I work alone except for two dogs whose inability to read or understand English I envy today and nearly always. I'm scrolling Facebook for reassurance and commiseration, I'm looking for the words of people I respect who've managed to find cooler heads in this burning calamity, and if I can't find hope there at least I can find community.
And look, I'm a fine person. I normally sleep well. I'm a giver. When I engage I try to do so thoughtfully. When I contradict someone I try to acknowledge that they perhaps come from different experiences than I do. I belong to one of the most scrutinized and judged populations in America — the Modern Parent — and it's taught me to have a little more empathy and less reflexive criticism. Today I'm not in the mood. And all over television and my laptop and my phone people are telling me to bring it in, that now more than ever we need compassion, understanding, we need to work hard to unearth the deeper reasons why there's now a man in charge of our country who represents all the worst -isms. Today there are people whose faces I don't want to look at and whose opinions I'm suffocating under. There's something that feels like an unending wrongness surging, and a sentiment that we need this transfer of power to happen peacefully, that it's up to the rejected, dismissed, the quieter people to see that through.
I'm sick to fucking death of being quiet. Today I have a list of fuck-yous long enough to wind its way through every red state and back again, and it's rivaled only by my list of heartbreaks over the injustices played out in this outcome. Anyone who claims to want "change" and then elects someone guaranteed to set LGBT, women's rights and racial relations back decades is on the list. Those who put orange shirts on their kids for Bully Awareness Week and then put an orange bully directly into the oval office is on it. You, who've benefited from government healthcare and social services and then voted yesterday to dismantle them, maybe eventually I'll feel a little bad for you, but today is not that day.
I hear the message of unity and somewhere under this crushing disillusion I know it's the right path. I'll get back to the hard, hard work of extending empathy not only to people who feel like I do, but to those who are the most opposite of me, the ones who just sent their own daughters the message that the notion of equality is still just a marketing ploy.
Today though, I have to use all my energy to help my own daughter believe that this country is hopeful, that there's reason to have faith in a future where she can accomplish whatever she wants, love whomever she wants, dress the way she prefers, be considered an equal and a contender, and I have to do all of that in a crisis of not really believing it myself.
So please do spread those good words, lift people up, give us faith in the future, just don't expect me to join you today.