Suburban Snapshots

So, Your Kid Found Some Internet Porn

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

I'm at the school playground watching Anna run barefoot up a green, plastic slide. Two little girls squeal and pull her in by the wrists each time she reaches the top. Next to the play structure, a maybe-5th-grade boy is throwing clouds of wood chips at a girl who's probably his age but already looks three grades older and I think, That's him. That's the boy who's going to yell something about blow jobs during recess and trigger a dinnertime flurry of awkward conversations all across town.

Look, I know it's going to happen, whether it's this kid or some other one — amazingly it was neither Steve nor me but a girl in her 1st grade class who taught Anna the F-word — and I already feel like I'm behind in starting any of the bigger talks with her. She knows about periods and that babies typically exit vaginas, she knows that she has half the material to make a human already inside her body, that one day she'll have hair in all the most inconvenient places, she knows that she is the boss of her own body, that boys have penises and can pee standing up, and she knows that teenagers really like to kiss. It's this last part that started the trouble, because two of Anna's favorite subjects are teenagers and pranks.

It was after a night spent with family — the adults in one room and the seven- and eight-year-olds in another — when I received a series of texts that began with: "Anna and Ella were watching PORN!" Apparently they'd been using an unrestricted adult iPad to search the web for "kissing pranks." If you aren't familiar with Rule 34, now you know. Rule 34 was on and popping in this scenario.

The iPad's owner flipped it open to read a bit before bed and saw what was definitely not an age-appropriate video left up on the screen; I want to interject here my hope that our children are always this inept at covering their tracks. I didn't ask for graphic details and so Steve and I were forced to proceed not knowing exactly what Anna had watched. Would I have to give her The Talk: Director's Cut Featuring Commentary By Gloria Steinem, or just The Talk: I'm Not Mad But That Was Super Inappropriate? If you find yourself in a similar situation with your child, I recommend knowing more than we did going in. I couldn't really ask our witness without giving her the vapors, so I had to start with the culprit.

"Hey kiddo, listen. I'm not mad, not even a little, and I want you to know that you can talk to me and ask me any questions you can think of, okay? So, I heard you and Ella were watching some pretty inappropriate videos and..."[dramatic faceplant between sofa cushions and a now-muffled insistence that she told Ella to stop, she didn't even want to watch those stupid kissing pranks. I believe her about 20 percent.] Anna again says she has no questions, so I tell her that if she knew the videos weren't for kids, she should have told an adult. I add that if she wants to write questions down and leave notes for me, that's fine too. So far it's been a note-free week, and Anna's back to using only her own, restricted devices.

And that's what I did when my kid maybe watched porn. Since then, I've polled friends and crowdsourced to see where we're all at with The Talk, and it seems like I'm pretty on track. I've gotten two book recommendations from folks for when it's time to bring further mechanics into the conversation, which I anticipate will be sometime soonish. If you want to postpone this situation or at least mitigate the risk, here's a post listing all the ways Anna's devices are locked down.

Godspeed, parents.