Suburban Snapshots

Good Husbands Deserve Enthusiastic BJs
and Other Things My Mom Shouldn't Read

Friday, May 24, 2013

I joke often on Facebook about my husband's favorite leisure activity. Almost daily he'll walk in the door from work and greet my leaning-in for a kiss hello with his standard fly-opening gesture — this was funny the first three times for me and continues to be a wellspring of amusement for him.

The BJ posts always get lots of likes and comments. Some people blush while others run with the topic like an elite fellatio relay team, always a few express their aversion to the practice and occasionally a husband will show up amazed that some men didn't lose this benefit immediately upon marriage.

Men, I'm going to do you a little favor here. I'm going to encourage your partners to engage in this practice by telling you how to improve your odds. While I know it's easiest to just get drunk together and see where things go (pun intended?), there are methods that don't require a handful of Advil and a bunch of regret the next morning.*

So without any further blah blah blah, my personal tips for getting the good action.

1. Be awesome with your kid(s). Not even all the time, but part of the day. Steve does the bedtime routine every night and has more patience for reading chapter books and answering abstract questions about space and heaven than a zen monk with a master's in child development. On weekends I might find him teaching Anna to hit a baseball or polishing her nails. His relationship with her warms my heart, his skill at being a great dad warms my pants.

2. Pick a chore and own it. The dishwasher in this house is always, always in rotation — it's the official appliance of Groundhog Day. I work from home so I'll usually unload, put away, reload. But many nights Steve will jump in after dinner and start unloading, often he'll stop me as I do it, tell me to relax, and pick it up once Anna's in bed. You know what else happens once Anna's in bed?

3. Seriously, just snuggle sometimes. I know this is the biggest cliché ever. It's the basis for a million sitcoms and bad stand-up gags. But for real, if your partner thinks the only reason you want to touch her affectionately is toward one end (spoiler: we know which end you're after), she's going to be less receptive. It's good to play hard-to-get sometimes instead of just regular old hard.

4. Be handy in whatever way you can. Steve is building us a patio. It's grunty and manly and awesome. But you don't have to be a manual labor kind of guy to get things done, getting things done can also mean calling to sort out the water bill, remembering your mother's birthday card or scheduling your own dentist appointments. Real men call for take-out.

5. Shut up about money. I don't care who earns it, unless you suspect that your wife is planning to black market your kidneys to cover her debt, stop having the argument. Nothing kills a mood faster than when I excitedly show Steve a new dress and can tell he's fighting every urge to immediately check our balance. Tell her she looks great, grab dinner, get lucky.

See how easy I've made things for you? If you find this entry folded inside your porn drawer or tucked in your wallet, that's just your spouse saying, "I want to make you happy," and attesting to my expertise in the field of marital relations. Or not.

*I know some of you will recognize these tips as things you already do and if you honestly feel you're making the awesome husband effort, you could be due for a quiet, no-kids sit-down with your spouse. 

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