Suburban Snapshots

Field Guide to Craigslist
Missed Connections

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

For years I've had a habit of reading the Craigslist Missed Connections section like it's the news. There's so much longing and heartbreak there, and so much unintentional comedy: Met at state hospital unit G, or: U and kid at unemployment office, g-string.

After a while you notice categories of posts and posters. Leaving out the most common Guy Who Types Like a Drunken Chimpanzee with an iPhone and Sexting Addiction, I've listed ten.

Here's your field guide to The People of Craigslist.

1. Guy who lists every minute physical detail of a woman, ends ad with, "I'm definitely not a creeper."

2. Couple in the midst of an ugly split whose inappropriately personal posts jeopardize your faith in the marital institution.

3. Daycare dads scamming on daycare moms, who despite posting in a public Internet forum claim to be "totally discreet."

4. People who pass attractive people in cars.

5. Woman who will not give up on guy she made out with at the beach once when she was drunk 20 years ago whose name maybe starts with R or T.

6. Dramatic, heartbroken soul with atrocious taste in music who continually posts the lyrics to godawful ballads riddled with typos.

7. The estranged boyfriend who wants to be sure Craigslist knows what a slut you were, anyway.

8. PEOPLE WHO REALLY WANT YOU TO SEE THIS MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. The genital photo ambusher, who clearly confused Missed Connections with Casual Encounters.

10. The romantics are my favorites. The ones who make me want to reply just to console them, the underdogs who've been quietly in love at the office or with a friend, the ones begging for second chances.

So next time you're browsing for a used fridge or trying to unload a 400 lb. tube TV, take a few minutes to peruse the love stories of your local Craigslist users. And if you find a really good one, I'd love to read it.

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